THAT INDESTRUCTIBLE FRUITCAKE
What is Christmas if not for our love of tradition?
THAT INDESTRUCTIBLE FRUITCAKE
Last year I promised that this little Christmas song would return just like that indestructible fruitcake. So here it is in all it’s irreverent glory, my very sick Christmas song—because sometimes all this goodwill toward men and good cheer gets annoying. But I hope this song doesnt’t annoy you and Merry Christmas!
What is Christmas if not for our love of tradition?
Not just the Dickensian ideal of Yuletide but our own pop cultural icons dating back to childhood. A Charlie Brown Christmas, the Norelco Santa, Rudolf and Frosty, etc. etc.
And each of us and our families have our own peculiar traditions regarding the holiday that we resurrect each year just after Thanksgiving and, as the kids and grandkids come along, perpetuate for posterity, often adding little tweaks and changes to suit the times.
My new tradition is one of re-gifting what was last Christmas an exclusive for my paid subscribers. Please feel free to re-re-gift, too because I will forevermore be spreading holiday cheer to one and all with this post and my song, Going Home For Christmas (also known as The Most Most Inappropriate, Politically Incorrect, Reindeer Shit Crazy Song I Ever Wrote.)
That’s MY new tradition. I hope you enjoy it!
“EVERY NOW AND THEN IT FEELS GOOD JUST TO KILL SOMETHING”
A CHRISTMAS STORY
One of my best friends who has gone on to greener pastures was a veterinarian named Dr. Kevin Kuenzi. Not only was he a large animal vet, tending to all the heavy horses and cranky cattle Kansas has to offer, but he also ran a small animal clinic for your cats and dogs and canaries and the occasional snake and ferret. He was also a phenomenally gifted surgeon. I once saw him take a stray kitten that had been hit by a truck and, frankly, was torn to bits. And he literally rebuilt the animal. He received no pay for that. He did it because that is what he did. He spent 9 hours putting this poor cat back together, organ by organ, artery by artery, bone by bone. When I asked him how that was even possible he just smiled and said, “It’s just a matter of knowing what things are and where they need to be.” I took that cat home and it lived another very happy and active 13 years.
You may be thinking what the holly does this have to with Christmas?
Well, I’ll tell you. Every now and then Dr. Kevin and I would butcher a pig or some ducks or some chickens and once (while he expertly dispatched a 250 pound sow with a single shot from his .22 rifle) he turned to me and said:
“I went to school to learn how to save animals. And I’ve spent the last 20 years saving animals. And there is nothing that feels better than saving animals. But—I don’t mind telling you that every now and then it feels good just to kill something.”
And with that in mind I give unto you my CHRISTMAS OFFERING.
I love Christmas. I love everything about it. And back in 1996 I got it in my head I was gonna’ write a Christmas song and send to all my friends. But so many damn good Christmas songs had already been written and I thought how in the world could I possibly compete with O HOLY NIGHT or SILENT NIGHT or AWAY IN A MANGER? Well, I couldn’t. And I didn’t. All I had was the title--Going Home For Christmas. Could anything be more simple and wholesome and harmless and sweetly sentimental than a song called Going Home For Christmas? Even more to the point—could anything be more predictable and shallow?
When pondering that little dichotomy over my six-string and a six pack, my Christmas Demons took hold of me, and I made hard left and I thought about Dr. Kevin Kuenzi and his unexpected, yet very self-aware statement that every now and then it feels good just to kill something. And that song went off the rails. What came out next was possibly the most inappropriate, politically incorrect, reindeer-shit crazy Christmas Song ever to be written. I’ll stand by that. Find me a sicker Christmas Song than what you are about to hear and I will relinquished my claim as penning something so silly and raunchy and dumb it makes Grandma Got Run Over A Reindeer look like Ave Maria.
My depths of depravity here may not be legible in this recording, so please check the lyrics below. It was recorded with the help of friends Phil Brown and the always ubiquitous Mandolin Dan Hermreck.
Oh, and apologies to no one. Because there has to be a place in all our vaunted institutions and sacred adherence to tradition that just begs for the irreverent. And I think maybe I accomplished that here.
And if you ever go home for Christmas with these folks, stay away from the wassail. Trust me on that.
So…as far as New Traditions go, stick this one in your stocking (or any stocking) and and next year it’ll return once again like an indestructible fruitcake.
Going Home For Christmas
Well how y’all doing? It’s Christmas time again and rather than do the usual thing and send you a Christmas card, which I usually don’t do anyway, I thought I’d get together with some of my friends like Phil and Dan and sit here and write you all a song that you can listen to in front of that old yule log with the family. So, gather up everybody and get ‘em real close to the speakers or the boom box or sit in the car and drive around the block, wherever it sounds the best, and I’m gonna’ sing you a little song about Going Home For Christmas. Hope you all like it… GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND IT’S GONNA BE FINE HAVEN’T SEEN THE FAMILY IN A LONG LONG TIME WROTE ‘EM ALL A LETTER THERE SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING MY TRAIN EVERYONE WILL BE THERE LIKE THEY USUALLY DO I BETTER TAKE THE EDGE OF WITH A PINT OR TWO I GUESS I BETTER WARN YOU MY ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY’S INSANE MAMA’S WHOLESOME SMILE FILLS US ALL WITH ELATION FIRST TIME IN A WHILE SHE’S BEEN OFF OF PROBATION AUNTIE MAY GOT PECKISH, ATE A DURAFLAME LOG WE COULDN’T BUILD A FIRE SO WE LIT UP THE DOG I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND I’D JUST AS SOON BLOW OUT MY BRAINS MAMA’S FAMOUS POSSUM PIE BROKE OUT WITH THE FLEAS DADDY’S STUFFING TURKEY, WITH HIS PANTS AT HIS KNEES GRANDMA LIT A CROSS OUT ON THE LAWN JUST TO KEEP THE KIDS WARM SISTER STRUNG THE CAT UP BY THE MISTLETOE SHE HUNG IT WITH ELASTIC SO THAT KITTY DIED SLOW GRANDPA STOMPS HIS FEET AND FARTS THE CHORUS TO O’ TANNENBAUM COUSIN CONNIE’S YODELING JUST AS SWEET AS CAN BE SHE TRYING FOR 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS BUT SHE ONLY KNOWS 3 AND THE KIDS ARE IN THE FRONT YARD MAKING ANGELS IN THE SNOW AND DADDY’S GOT HIS PECKER OUT, TRYING TO SPELL NOEL AND I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND I’D JUST AS SOON CUT OFF MY ARM Take it, Dan. Go Danny go. BEULAH’S MAKING EARRINGS WITH THE TOPS OF HER KNEES SHE’S REALLY INTO GIVING BUT YOU GOTTA’ SAY PLEASE GOT 7 BASTARD CHILDREN AND SHE’S SHOOTIN’ FOR NUMBER 5 AND THE COUSINS ARE ACCEPTING OF THE GIFT THAT SHE’S BEEN GIVIN’ IT AIN’T NOTHING YOU CAN’T FIX UP WITH A SHOT OF PENICILLIN NOW SHE’S STARING AT THE SILO WITH A FARAWAY LOOK IN HER EYES I SAID SHE’S STARING AT THE SILO WITH A FARAWAY LOOK IN HER EYES ALONG COMES CHRISTMAS EVE AND THE FAMILY TRADITION THE CAROLERS ARE COMING AND WE GET TO USE UP ALL OUR AMMUNITION AUNT GERTIE IS A FLOOSY BUT YOU BETTER NOT ACCUSE IT SHE’S GOT HERSELF AN UZI AND SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO USE IT I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND I’D JUST AS SOON CURL UP AND DIE WE HUNG THE STOCKINGS UP WITH CARE AND RUBBER CEMENT THE KIDS ARE SAFE AND SNUG IN BED, MAKING LITTLE TENTS DADDY’S STILL A PISSIN’ IN THE SNOW TRYING TO REMEMBER HIS NAME KYLE MADE A SNOWMAN, ANATOMICALLY CORRECT HE SAYS “SHE’S REALLY PURTY BUT SHE’S COLD AS HECK” CHESTNUTS AIN’T THE ONLY NUTS HE’S ROASTING ON AN OPEN FLAME AND THE WASSAIL’S LACED WITH EGG NOG AND PEPSI COLA THINK I’LL SPIKE THAT PUNCH WITH A DOSE OF EBOLA AND DANNY’S PLAYING “DOCTOR” WITH HIS MANDOLIN HOLE AND FANNY’S PLAYING RHYTHM ‘TWEEN HER FOURTH AND FIFTH CHIN OH! GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND I ONLY GOT GENETICS TO BLAME One more time, Dan. Not bad for a one-eyed fat man. WE SIT AROUND THE TV WATCHING “CHRISTMAS WITH THE JUDDS” ERIC AND OL’ MONK ARE IN THE KITCHEN PACKIN’ FUDGE CLAY IS FINGER PICKIN’ WITH HIS NOSE ‘CAUSE HE FORGOT HIS GUITAR JEFF IS LEARNING BANJO, HE’S THE TOP OF HIS CLASS BY THE TIME HE GETS IT TUNED YOU WANNA’ STICK IT UP HIS ASS HANNAH IS BREAST FEEDING AND OLD NED THINKS IT’S AN OPEN BAR IF SANTA CLAUSE WAS KIND, SUDDEN DEATH HE WOULD BRING US KYLE KEEPS KISSING THAT CAT ‘CAUSE HE THINKS IT’S CUNNILINGUS DADDY’S STUFFING MAMA’S STOCKINGS ‘CAUSE THE TURKEY’S HAD ENOUGH ONLY TROUBLE IS THAT MAMA, SHE FORGOT TO TAKE THEM OFF I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND I’d rather take a darning needle and slowly tap my own spinal fluid. Now y’all know I’ve been having a little fun at the expense of my beloved family which by the grace of God and certain isolated and unreachable areas of Appalachia you have not have the pleasure to have met. But I will tell you this—when all is said and done and besides God’s own special way of polluting the gene pool, I know at Christmastime there’s no place I’d rather be than in the loving bosom of my own family, except for my Great Aunt Maddie, whose bosom has recently been assigned it’s own congressman. WELL, I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, IT’S GONNA’ BE FINE IF WE ALL DON’T GET ARRESTED YOU KNOW I’D BE LYIN’ GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AND THERE’S REALLY NOTHING ELSE I’D RATHER DO BESIDES SING THIS SONG BESIDES PUNCTURING MY EAR DRUMS WITH A REALLY DULL TROWEL BESIDES CHEWING ON TIN FOIL WHILE I GET DISEMBOWELED I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS, I’M A ‘BRINGING YOU ALONG YEAH I’M GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS HOT DAMN, I’M A ‘BRINGING YOU ALONG GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS Fancy that! GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS Stay away from that cat! GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS I’M GOING HOME Papa, that ain’t how you spell Noel! GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS That’s one stuffed turkey! GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS Anyone for possum jerky? GOING HOME CHRISTMAS I’M A ‘GOING HOME Now, Beulah, why doncha’ come over here and sit by me, y’heah?
And Stay Tuned To Delaniac on Substack!
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And this week we’ll be releasing Chapter Four! Click here if you missed the INTRODUCTION Click here if you missed The Prologue and Chapter One Click here if you missed Chapter Two Click here if you missed Chapter Three and/or Click here if you missed the ANNOUNCEMENT AND TABLE OF CONTENTS
I don't know where to begin. 🤣