YOU CAN LEAD A DUCK TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM SWIM

The Poultry Papers: Installment One

Last time I saw you I promised you ducks and chickens.

But before we wade in (See how I did that?)

Yes, I hear you loud and clear. Substack is a pain in the ass. Thank you to those of you who’ll even mention to me that you’re reading my ramblings. About Substack: Talk to Gaille. Text or call 267-307-4374 or email grp@coyotewebsynergy.

And yes, The Bull, The Boy, and The Buffalo Robe will continue very soon.

So about The Poultry Papers…

The full experience (including videos) will be available here on Substack with weekly Installments available to all subscribers. But if you’d like to receive pdf versions of each Installment (sans videos), get in touch with Gaille (see contact info above.) And oh how I hate social media, but selections & videos from The Poultry Papers will be posted on The Clam (Douglas Scott Delaney on Facebook).

How ‘bout we swim right in with Installment One?

YOU CAN LEAD A DUCK TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM SWIM

It all started with a duck house. In the cold, cold, deaden days of December of last year I decided I wanted to build a duck house. I wanted to build a duck house because I have a beautiful pond and thought it would be fun to see ducks swimming on my pond and going in and out of this duck house. So I built the damn thing. And I am quite pleased with it. And I did make it out of scratch, but it looks like it came right out of the Farmers Market Almanac.

What I didn't have was ducks.

And it was decided that we would get some ducks and chickens. So now I also needed to build a chicken house, which I did from scratch, and that came out pretty damn cool,  too. So we got a mixed batch of ducks and chickens and proceeded to brood them in a couple of brooders-- I made from scratch.

One for the ducks and one for the chickens. The goal was after about 6 weeks in the brooders (which is basically just a big old box with some heat lamps, bedding and food and water) that I would put the ducks and chickens in the BIG COOP.

It was still very cold so I had to move heat lamps in there, too. But that was the plan. And as always--the best laid plans of mice and ducks and chickens oft times goes to shit. As did mine. The problem was that ducks grow about 10 times faster than chickens and even though they were about the same age, the ducks grew to about 8 inches tall while the chickens remained at 2 inches.

So I had to move the ducks out into the BIG COOP,  where they were very happy.

It was at least another month till the chickens were big enough to put in with these ducks. I also built a run to attach to the big indoor coop. and everything was working fine.

Also part of the plan was to free range these ducks and chickens so they can have the whole run of the property, which is a beautiful 160 acres (six of which are close to the house) that they could be comfortable in and run around and eat bugs and just chew on crap and be happy little farm things.  And be happy little poultry things.

And that actually worked.

The minute we opened the gates and doors to the coop and run it was like a jailbreak. And they went nuts. And they venture further and further every day all over the property. The chickens, all 10 of them, will disperse and go about their own day each to their own pleasure. But the ducks move in unison like Motown Backup Singers. They do nothing alone. They move in waddling little ways all over the place. And it is fun to watch.

One thing we did right was to bell train them so when they hear the ringing of the bell (which is a cowbell) they would know that food was coming. Specifically peas. They are crazy for peas, which we use to supplement their regular diet of grain and cracked corn and grower feed.

So if I want them to go to a certain place I just ring the bell and say “peas” and goddamnit if they just don't come to me like pigeons to bread.

One concern that is a big one when you're kind of homesteading poultry is that they go home at night to the safety of their coop. And to my amazement that took no work at all. Every night, about 30 minutes before dusk, all the chickens do go home to roost. And since they are basically teenagers at this point that's pretty fucking amazing.

The ducks, however, which are more reticent about going home, always wait till it is really dark out and they too waddle their way into the coop. Then I can lock up all the little shits and not worry about them till the next morning.

Both chickens and ducks will be laying in just a few weeks and that is the purpose for getting them in the first place. I am not going to butcher these little things because they have so endeared themselves to us that that's unimaginable. But that doesn't mean that every day I don't want to kill all of them and send them to that Happy Crock Pot In The Sky. Because this is what they're doing now… and it just sucks:

I'll start with the ducks.

They have had a baby pool since they were just a few weeks old and they love it and you can fill that thing with beautifully clean water and in about 45 seconds they turn it into mud. It is an ongoing process, wherein we are pouring gallons and gallons of fresh water into their feeders and baby pools because, frankly, they love dirt and they can turn clean water into sewage faster than flies fornicate.

So that is why I built the duck house! Remember?! To get these little waddling quacking things to go to the pond, swim around a bit and go lounge on the duck house platform  at night so the coyotes and raccoons and hawks don't get them. They have the rural equivalent of Club Med and they are oblivious to it.

The pond is just 100 feet from their baby pool. And we have used the peas thing to get them to within inches of the pond.

But will they go into the pond? No, they won't.

Four of these ducks are Long Island Ducks and that is maybe why they are so damn obstinate. Long Island Ducks are basically Peking ducks, white and fat, unable to fly.

The other four ducks are Rouens, which really resemble wild mallards and are very pretty-- but they too cannot fly. But they can all walk, goddamnit, and why in the world they will not walk down to this gorgeous beautiful one acre pond filled with all the crap ducks like to have amd jump into the fucking pond? You tell me,  because I am at my wit's end.

I am also at my wit's ends with these chickens, which are a mix of Rhode Island Red and Black Crosses. They are growing up now and much like the ducks I haven't quite figured out what are males or females because they are not sexually active. Hopefully soon one of them will crow or get overly amorous and I'll know it is a rooster.

But that's not the problem with the chickens.

The problem with the chickens is they are very adventurous and they have no problem wandering all over the property. And I don't mind that at all except for in the last week or so their favorite place to be is on my patio. The patio with the beautiful lawn furniture and the freshly painted picnic table and the smoker and the gas grill and the charcoal grill and…and they just love to climb atop all that stuff and then poop on it.

It is a Crap Factory on my patio.

You would think with all the nature at their disposal they would not want to hang around on a patio that really serves as a place to cook things-- like chicken.

But they are undaunted and they are relentless. And in the last 10 days we have tried several ways of discouraging them from going potty on the patio. Like a big plastic owl with a rotating head and flashing red eyes. Like Halloween decorations that are motion-activated and scream at you when you get close to them. Like balloons swinging from ribbons that might hinder them or even frighten them in some way.

No. The only thing that works is taking out the hose and squirting the hell out of the little bastards. And the funny part is it's not just the chickens that have discovered the patio. The ducks like it there, too, which leads me to believe I really don't know jack shit about chickens and/or ducks.

They say there are plants you can plant around your patio and other things you can do to deter your poultry from turning your leisure area into a guano patch. But I have seen none that actually work. One guy recommended using a motion-activated sprinkler that will come on every time the chickens come near your patio. That's a lovely idea but I also have cats and neighbors and I go in and out of the house every now and then… So being drenched by a fucking sprinkler every time I open the door is not actually a viable option.

So the little bastards got me by the pin feathers and I am at my wit’s end as to how to handle it,  except to use my hose to wash off all the crap they dump on my patio on a daily basis. In some ways that's just good parenting.  Dealing with the shit your kids throw at you on a daily basis and just trying to make the best of it.

Be sure to tune in next week for Installment Two!